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Sunday, 31 May 2009

  • long time no see, xanga...

    i feel a sudden compulsion to write SOMETHING, not that i really have a whole lot to blog about at the moment. I suppose it's more out of guilt for neglecting what was once my web-baby, and a definite abandonment of something that was so treasured for FB and Twitter, my blog's two evil step-sisters.

    I reread my previous blog, and I have to say, I did not live up to my new year's resolutions. luckily, we're only half way through the year, and there's plenty of time to make up for lost ground. The procrastinator also cannot help but be something of an optimist...

    I met someone this weekend who blew me away with their verve and accomplishments. It made me realize how wasteful I've been with my time and mental energy, but I also found it comforting that there was someone out there so accomplished and yet so FUN. I also spent the past two nights staying up all night to hang out with great friends, and saw the sunrise both mornings. I will probably see the sunrise tomorrow morning as well, but it won't be as fun because it'll be to finish my poster for our conference. 48 hours from now, however, I know it will all be worth it when i'm enjoying the warm tropical breezes of Miami.

    I promise I won't stay away for so long next time. Just these 5 minutes writing this lil' diddy have been amazing- paradigm shifting!! well, ok, not that great, but therapeutic and self-indulgent to say the least. feels great.


Sunday, 11 January 2009

  • new year's resolutions

    after a fantabulous and interesting start to the new year, i've realized that not having a new year's resolution just won't fly. not that i'm someone who actively keeps up with their resolutions, but perhaps the exercise in self reflection will prove beneficial.

    i feel like i've learned something new every day so far this new year, about human nature, about my own nature. While on a certain level i crave stability, I realize that i'm also an excitable person who's always looking for something new, something exciting. I'm all about self-growth and development, about having enriching life-changing experiences. This also means that i'm far more impractical than most, and if i continue on in this manner, i put myself at greater risk for detrimental outcomes. And, for the most part, I feel comfortable with this. I've been hurt before, and it takes time for that hurt to heal, but heal i did, and if anything i'm in a better position to bounce back now then i had been in previous experiences.

    I also have more responsibilities: School isn't just a matter of attending classes, but the nature of the program insists that i perform and produce for the professors, and my career training is picking up speed. my parents rely on me to take care of our house and finances in the states, and of course, the doggy needs to be fed and taken out everyday.

    from this, i have relatively simple resolutions for myself this year. they're rather abstract and vague, but i'll come up with more concrete goals to help guide the process.
    1. work f'ing hard. graduate degrees aren't handed out like candy.
    2. don't be afraid, but don't be rash. evaluate each opportunity, and calculate the risk.
    3. be self-aware. this ties into #2- be conscious of what and what is not acceptable for myself. i value highly the opinions and thoughts of those i love, but i need to think about what they say in the context of what is best for me, and ultimately, what i want for myself.

    hardly ground-breaking stuff, but it's a start :)

Sunday, 23 November 2008

  • quelling disrupted waters

    i can safely say that i've lived my life to two extremes. one extreme is where ALL i ever cared about was how others perceived me, what others thought. it was difficult to discern what i wanted and who i was because of it. This past year, i've lived the other extreme: fuck what they say and what they think, i'm going to get drunk and be wild, live on the fucking edge (yes, "the fucking edge", not just "the edge," in this case it is not a gratuitous use of the f-bomb). And frankly, now that it's all said and done, i really wish i hadn't done that. it bothers me that people may perceive me to be some amoral floosy with an overactive appetite for jaeger bombs, when i KNOW i'm not (although jaegerbombs are quite yummy). What i'm left with is the conclusion that i can't live my life either way, but to find the ideal middle ground is not easy.

    I have questions about morality and my choice of morals (or lack thereof) and codes to follow in life. I believe in working hard, earning your keep. and i believe in compassion for others. aside from that, hell if i know. Aside from the obvious "don't kill" and all the 10 commandments schtuff, it's difficult for me to articulate or delineate for myself any decisive guidelines.

    another point of difficulty: once you've decided on principles to follow, implementing them should be easy right? Shakespeare said "to thine own self be true" (look at me, quoting billy s. am i a frickin' hotshot or what?), but developing that clarity of identity and consciousness to execute according to one's principles... not as easy as it sounds, kids. And just following my gut and going with what feels right, to reduce my decisions about life down to visceral reactions is so... reptilian.

    maybe i should read more philosophy, or go back to church, because i sure as hell don't have any answers right now.

Monday, 06 October 2008

  • friends: the saving grace

    while i try to maintain a certain level of calmness and confidence in my life, this would not be possible were it not for awesome friends to distract me from my worries and to assuage my fears.

    school is getting crazier, life is exciting. whatever happens in the near future, i feel like i'm ready to take it on, especially b/c i know there are those there i can count on.

Tuesday, 30 September 2008

  • remember when

    getting e-props was the only reason people blogged?

    as someone who was completely and utterly guilty of whoring their online face-time for the sake of a couple of imaginary coin icons, i have to say it feels good to just write and get my ideas out again for the sake of my own sanity.

    i've never thought of myself as a pretentious/artificial person, but it's funny how certain people and incidents become like mirrors held up to one's unsuspecting face.

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jintonic5

  • Visit jintonic5's Xanga Site
    • Name: jinnie
    • Birthday: 3/22/1981
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 4/23/2002

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  • my life jumps from one cliche to another.

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